Majority of Internet Resists Convenient Al Gore–Massage Therapist Puns

Yesterday, The National Enquirer posted a story about a 52-year-old Portland massage therapist’s 2006 accusations of sexual assault by Al Gore. According to a police report that hit the Internet this morning, the woman called the former vice-president a “sex-crazed poodle”—an oddly specific, heretofore unheard of characterization—and described his (alleged!) increasingly insistent, increasingly physical demands that she have sex with him. Although she declined to file charges against Gore for reasons unknown, she told detectives, “he pleaded, groped me, grabbed me, engulfed me in embrace, tongue kissed me, massaged me, grabbed my breasts.” Gore and his camp have refuted the allegations and dismissed the notion that the reason she did not sue Gore was because he paid her off.

Now, there is a lot of moral ambiguity here! As we learned from winter’s forgotten David W. Johnson–David Paterson Incident, whether or not a victim of sexual abuse files suit is a decision that is likely going to be influenced by a number of competing factors. And that this unidentified woman reportedly sold the rights to her story to the Enquirer for a million dollars does not, of course, mean that Gore is innocent. And so, it is with these things in mind (probably), that the Internet has largely refrained from speculating on the veracity of the women’s story and mocking what is a very unfortunate situation for all involved. Mazel tov, that part of the Internet.